15.12.04

Christmas Thoughts & Memories

Everytime I begin to feel in a Christmas mood, I end up thinking about Gabriel and Charisma, my nephew and niece. I miss their mommy so much it hurts. She was a better sister than I was a brother by far. I find I am not missing her less at all. I have better control of my emotions, but I have an empty spot in my heart.

I keep thinking about times I failed her, times I did not stand up for her like I should have. What makes it worse is that in similar times, she stood up for me and never forsook me. That makes it more difficult. She always celebrated Christmas with a joyful attitude. She was so giving.

One year I was jealous because she "only" gave me a shirt, while she gave our friend a jacket. I am so ashamed about that. Although I didn't tell her about my disappointment, I felt ashamed about it the next morning. She choose it just for me and I was being selfish. I did wear that shirt until it had holes in it. I ended up loving that shirt.

I remember giving her a Mitzpah Coin (broken in two halves) to her. She gave me one half and kept the other half. I wore that coin for five straight years. I have it on again, and do not plan on taking it off again. Rob- her husband, and my brother and friend, asked me if I wanted the other half back, but I asked him to give it to Charisma, my niece. She is so special to me- even more now.

Rob has been such a good friend and brother in this time. He has allowed me to share in all aspects of saying good-bye to Diane. We have grown closer over this past year and even more-so in the past few weeks. I thank God for what Rob meant to Diane, and even for what he means to me now. He could have excluded me from everything, but choose to honor Diane's and my commitment. He even challenged me to work on improving at the guitar. I am taking lessons (finally) to improve my timing and rhythmn.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I intend to celebrate with the spirit that Diane celebrated it. With joy and giving. I will make this a good Christmas.

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