4.12.04

Thoughts...

I have been feeling the sting of losing my dear sister and friend recently. I know she is in heaven with Jesus, but I miss her. I have cried more this past week than I did in my previous 36 years put together I think.

Frequently I remember things we did or places we went. I took for granted what she meant to me at times. I wish I could have some more time with her. She inspired me to change in many ways. She is part of the reason I could go to Brasil and meet my wife. I had no drive or courage before she taught it to me. I needed my sister. I still do. Heaven doesn't seem so far away now, but life has lost it's thrill.

Please, don't anyone email me and tell me I will get over it in time. I won't. She will always be a missing part to my life. I cannot replace her. I know her husband feels similar. Rob and I have become great friends, and I feel so bad for him and his kids. It was so difficult to hear Charisma crying out for her mommy. How does this feel to a one and a half year old? How will she remember her mommy?

I wish God would show me Diane in heaven for just a few seconds. That would help a lot. But since "we walk by faith, not by sight," I doubt that is a request He will grant. I can still hope and pray, but what about my motives? ("You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.")

All I know is that Jesus is faithful. Jesus é fiel.

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